#january 15th will always be the most special day of the year!! im so happy we've met and been in this together since 2018!!

[4lexnilsen]

“oh?   since when is having no middle name a crime,  hm?”   he inquires with a huff,  but there’s playfulness in his voice,  a hint of amusement still gleaming in his eyes.   “what’s your middle name,  anyway?   see how important middle names are?   no one asks about them in a regular conversation.   no one cares.”   unless it’s one of those pretentious hyphenated ones,  like mary-kate or lee-anne or something.   he’d never do this to his child.   “and why should i be ashamed of having a diary?   are men not allowed to have feelings and write about them?   are you a fan of toxic masculinity and the whole boys don’t cry thing?”   he teases,  twisting her words around and appearing unbothered by her threats.   he doesn’t have a diary,  and even if he did,  he still wouldn’t care what harry, who has the emotional intelligence of a potato,  or colby or any of the rich jocks think of it.

“yeah,  i hear you.”   and her don’t know what to say bullshit.   “i’m sorry about putting words in your mouth,  but since you won’t elaborate and there’s this strange look on your face,  let me just assume what’s going through your head right now?   feel free to correct me,  though.   so…   you probably think that it’s weird and wrong and that maybe i’m cheating on sarah with poppy.   believe me,  i’ve heard it all before so you don’t have to hold back.   if poppy was a man,  would it still be strange to carry on this tradition of going on the summer trip every year even now that i’m in a relationship?   it wouldn’t.   no one would bat an eye.   oh,  alex is spending the weekend with his guy friend.   everyone would just brush it off and be okay with it.   but there’s nothing romantic going on between poppy and i,  nothing romantic happens on these trips,  so why the double standards?   i’ll be crude,  but it’s not like i need to go out of state to sleep around.   if i was the kind of man who cheats on his girlfriend,  i’d do it right here in chicago,”   he rambles on,  mildly annoyed by the unspoken accusations,  feeling attacked by the one person who should always be on his side.   wrecking things on purpose.   he just rolls his eyes and ignores the comment altogether,  deciding he’s said enough.

“no,  don’t shut me out now or try to play with my feelings.   you can’t in the same breath judge me for going on vacation with a friend,  try to make me feel guilty for leaving my girlfriend behind,  and then suggest we do the same thing.   i’d love to go on a trip with you,  helena.   but i feel like you’re not being serious about it,  like you’re just making fun of it or trying to test me or something?”   if he wasn’t so annoyed,  it would surely amuse him how suddenly he’s the one doing all the talking and she’s giving him the most laconic responses.   no,  yes,  no,  yes…   just lovely.   “if you’re being serious about this,  i have the next weekend off,  we can go on a trip of our own.   and we can totally plan something bigger for the summer,  too.   or the spring break.   i’m more than okay with this.   i’d love to spend more time with you,  doing something fun.   but how can you judge me for spending time with poppy,  away from sarah,  and then ask me to do the same with you?   so,  it’s okay if i go with you,  but not okay when i go with poppy?”   he wonders out loud,  pausing his rambling only because it’s their turn to place an order.   he asks for ten churros and three dipping sauces —   dulce de leche,  classic chocolate and raspberry.   using his phone to pay for the order,  he involuntarily glances at the screen and finds a message from poppy,  asking him whether he’s free next weekend.   her brother’s birthday.   he puts his phone back into the pocket of his puffer jacket and,  as they wait for their order to be prepared,  glances down at helena with a frown.   “i really hate fighting with you,  you know that?”

“shut up. before i turn it on you and claim alexander no middle name nilsen came up with it.” the raven haired girl grumbles, hitting him once more with her heart shaped purse. not very heartfelt of her... but he DESERVED it. “and you just made it even easier, i'll expose how you have a diary too.” boys like colby would certainly eat that up, even if she would've admired it, if he actually has a journal – if he wasn't being mean to her. “nothing?” helena responds a little defensively, hating she put herself right on the spot.

"i just don't know what to say." at least that was the truth. who would? him and sarah might not be in a happy relationship clearly, but they are STILL in an active relationship so it obviously counts. hm. interesting... clearly she's struck a nerve, which would be satisfying if she wasn't getting irritated he's targeting harry when he should be calling out poppy, too. "like poppy? in her adorable way of not being nice to people who are nice to her? her adorable away of wrecking things on purpose? being a...." helena snaps back, biting her tongue, keeping herself from continuing all the things she'd love to unleash she's been holding back but won't because she’s sure he’ll go right to that snob’s defense.

“that’s not… that’s not even close.” brows crease, shaking her head, she doesn’t even do things like that with harry let alone a friend. “but okay, alex. i get it. i take it as a no. that’s all you have to say.” patting his arm to let him know he can say no to her, even though she’s doing it in a passive way because it’s odd… he’ll go places with the other friend, but won’t go with her? he’ll tell sarah he’s going to places with his other friend, but won’t tell sarah he’s going places with her? it’s suddenly a problem? that certainly agitates her and once again, feels like she’s hanging out with someone who is in a clique and she’s never allowed to be apart of it. like she’s in primary school again, getting shut out of other people’s secret clubs— it often feels like that with him. forget she asked and felt a spark of excitement of enjoying one of her favorite summer places to go with someone she actually wanted to be there with. so stupid of her not working better at being closed off.

“i’ll go by myself this summer, that’s no issue. being an only child builds you for situations like this.” smiling like it doesn’t bother her with a shrug of her shoulder with only child jokes from earlier, probably will be the best option anyway. men just ruin everything, it seems. “no.” to telling him what it means. “definitely.” definitely NOT sweethearts. but— she feels alone and embarrassed. so using harry to pretend she has someone who makes her feel involved, despite him not being here right now, is the only way she knows how to make herself feel better. living in an illusion, a fantasy, makes the void feel a tad better than admitting she doesn’t actually have a sarah or a poppy in her life. “dulce de leche.” hand lazily points to it, before dropping.